Ms. Understanding on Holiday

Ms. Understanding wishes you much comfort and joy this holiday season.

She’ll see you bright and early in the New Year, with a snazzy new web form for submitting your questions.

It was an incredibly tough year; how do I get my lust for life back?

Dear Ms. Understanding,

I’m 34 years old and 2006 was an incredibly tough year. My mother died, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I moved to a strange town for a bad job. I’ve finally saved up enough money to quit my job and move back to New York but I’m gripped by the fear that I don’t really know how to be happy there anymore. Half of my old friends still live like they’re in their early 20’s, and though I used to be quite the party girl—I’m well beyond that now. All the others are married with kids, and want to talk about things like fixing the roof. I’m worried that I won’t be able to relate to anyone and worse, I seem to have lost my old lust for life. How do I get it back? Signed, Too Subdued

Dear Too Subdued,

Congratulations for taking the initiative to leave the strange town and bad job. Since you’re not feeling a deep connection to anyone in New York right now, treat those relationships as the light, casual friendships they are and don’t let them dictate your new schedule in any way. Skip Little Suzie’s first birthday party in Park Slope and go to that sculpting class with the smokingly hot instructor instead. Pass on the warehouse rave in Red Hook in favor of meeting up with your new language exchange partner, then start planning an overseas trip to test your linguistic prowess.

Avoid television, extended Interwebs surfing, and all other passive/solitary activities like the plague. Do things you’ve never tried before—things you’ve been putting off for years, and before you know it, you’ll not only have created an entirely new chapter in your life—you will have kindled new lust for it too. It’ll be a subtler, more burnished lust than you felt as a younger person, but it will also be richer and more subject to your own volition. You have had a tough year, so you need to be kind to yourself—as kind as possible—and in Ms. Understanding’s book, that means doing only that which excites, fascinates, and replenishes you.

How do I cut things off when I realize I’m not interested?

Dear Ms. Understanding,

I’m a 42-year-old man who has been divorced for about 5 years. I’m really enjoying the whole dating thing, but I’m not sure how to cut things off when I realize I’m not interested in someone longterm. I hate the thought of hurting anyone’s feelings, so I just sorta go along with things and try to have a good time, but I’m usually wishing I was somewhere else. I’m normally a straight shooter, so how do I do I taper things off without being a complete jerk? Signed, Feeling Dishonest

Dear Feeling Dishonest,

“Tapering things off” doesn’t really work in this case; the success of such a thing depends on your ability to be fairly neat and tidy about it. Make it a relatively short conversation…something along the lines of how unbelievably fantastic the other person is, but that it’s just not working out for you. That’s really all the explanation required. Getting drawn into a long conversation is almost always a mistake in this situation; you’re not doing anyone any favors by pretending there’s room for negotiation when there isn’t. Be kind, but be clear. Indecision in these matters can be far more cruel than a clean, simple break.